Notes I
Subconsciousness. Using how we think to think about how we think. Inception.
Attachment. I’ve come to the realization that being connected doesn’t mean being attached and vice versa, and you can have both!
Albert Camus. I’ve been liking him a lot recently, gives me a lot of courage facing absurdity. Read this quote from him ‘In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.’
Assertiveness. I find it super hard to point out other people’s bad behaviors, am worried if I do, then I’ll no longer have a relationship with them. But think about it, first, what’s so bad about it? Second, maybe asking to be treated in a way as I want is the best way to have a relationship with anyone.
Ballet. One of the reasons I like about ballet is that — in order to create something artistically beautiful, it requires something so scientific, dissecting different parts of your body and coordinating your muscles. Oh actually it is the other way around, putting something so scientific together can create something so artistic. The same goes for music.
Boundaries. Having a clear boundary does not mean not nice. It is respect to ourselves and others.
Chances. We all know everyone deserves a second chance when they make a mistake. And no one gets unlimited chances if they mess things up every single time, that just means they are not trying. But how about the numbers in between? Third chance? Forth chance? I think I sometimes give people way too many chances, but I honestly don’t know what’s the right number of chances to give.
Cheers. Growing up, my parents always cheer for me even for the smallest accomplishment. I felt lonely when I am on my own and they are no longer around to cheer for me, I felt there are no audiences witnessing my growth, therefore what’s the meaning when no one sees you? Gradually I no longer feel this way — not that I’m numbed but I’ve developed a voice inside me cheering for myself.
Drumming. There’s something really empowering about hitting a really big drum really loud.
Dislikes. As I get older, I realize that sometimes I dislike a person not because of who they are, but because they resemble part of me that I don’t like about myself.
Tidiness. Wherever I go, I always have a touch of tidiness left in the environment I’m in. I like to be in a space that’s clean, organized and tidy, it brings me great comfort, reminds me of how my parents make their place, and gives me a sense of order and control, when the outside world is too messy to tidy up. P.S. I am not minimalist, nor do I have OCD :P
Senses. From running to cooking, from playing music to bathing, I am activating all my senses and enjoying what life gives me.
Stimuli. I feel the most stimulated when there’s absolute quietness, when there are no stimuli at all.
Milk. I like pouring milk into a cup, putting it in the freezer, and eating frozen milk.
Fears. Yes, fears, I have lots of them. I am afraid of being rejected, being incompetent, being engulfed, being stuck, being not inspired, falling, being in darkness, being fat, being disabled, being infertile, not being liked, being lonely, being dead. But, I guess it wouldn’t be too bad if all the fears come true.
Boy. There’s always a little boy living inside of me, not a little girl. Wait, actually there’s always a little child living inside of me, I’m not sure about its gender.
Girl. My youngest cousin is 17 years younger than me. I visited her when she was 5, she dragged me to her room to told me all her secrets. She was just the perfect little girl I can ever imagine to have in my life, and I want to shield her from all the bad monsters in the world.
Boys. I’ve not been good at dealing with boys, or not very into it. Maybe there are some psychological sessions I need to go through, or maybe I never think it’s important to me.
Girls. I’m just putting this paragraph here because the last note is about boys. I feel I need some symmetry here.
Mothers. Every mother used to be a daughter. Life is a web of wombs. Mothers and the daughters, the bond that wounds, the bond that heals.
Construct. I wonder how much I can really know a person and develop a relationship with them, not just an idea of them I constructed in my head and have a relationship with my imagination.
Vulnerability. The hardest thing for me to say is ‘I like you, what do you think?’ Maybe it’s because of being Chinese, I never learned to express my feeling in such a direct way. I have never said it, but I want to be able to. I will do it.
Messages. I enjoy getting messages from friends and loved ones, but I cringe when I get pinged by co-workers, even I like them a lot, even I like the work a lot! I really wonder why.
Readiness. I wonder how to, or if I will ever be able to, be in a state of readiness for acting in a way that is supposed to be the best for myself, with all the things constantly changing, with the great people, love and relationships I have to leave behind, again and again. Not that I cannot, but that I know there will be great emptiness, homesickness, and missingness in me that nothing can cure, even the ‘best situation for me’ would not be able to. I might never be able to find a cure for it, and maybe that’s ok. And maybe, readiness is just a choice I make!
Immigration. Read this great paper on how valuable high-skilled immigrants are to this country. But seriously, we support immigration not because of how much economic value they can bring in but because immigrants are humans and we want to choose where to live, and this is a country made of immigrants.
Changes. I’m trying to put on the ‘impermanence’ lens to look at and feel about things, and struggle not to feel detached to all the happenings.
Non-fiction book club. I am in one. I find it more fun listening to how other people think about the book than the book itself.
Dementia. It deeply saddened and puzzled me when I saw my grandma lost her memories. I still believe that part of that is she chose to do so because it’s an easier life compared to what she had to carry with her.
Vectors. Vector space is amazing, I find it hard to imagine high dimensions and yet believe in the existence of it. ‘I always come back to this image of every person essentially represented as vectors, and everyone’s direction and speed are independent,’ Brian said, ‘And at any instance in my life, I could for a bit be associated with other vectors that were in the vicinity for that window of time because of a force (job, school, etc). But because everyone’s vector is inherently independent, without that force, the vectors will inevitably diverge.’ Wait, but Brian, how about matrix? Can the vectors form matrices?
Diplomatic. ‘Your communication style is … you are very diplomatic,’ Sonia said to me. ‘I honestly just don’t have a strong opinion and am genuinely fine with one way or another, not trying to balance things out, or hiding my thoughts. How can you ever be so convicted?’ I shrugged.
Tharu. ‘Why don’t you have a last name?’ I asked her. ‘Why do you think people need to have a last name?’ OK.. well maybe not exactly her words, I’m paraphrasing what she said.
Friend. Yari, a Persian guy who comes off slightly reserved but very straight-forward. I did not imagine that we can be friends when we first met. ‘Does any of these make any sense to you?’ I ask him about this whatever thing I am writing, ‘None of it! But what’s important is it makes sense to you,’ he says.
Imagination. Being isolated, my mind, for some time, has ceased to imagine what the world would be when it’s back to normalcy. I have, for some time, ceased to imagine what it would be like to hug a stranger.
